Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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