so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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