ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
