you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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