Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
