dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
