just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
