i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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