I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
