What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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