I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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