omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
