I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
