i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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