so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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