why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
