Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
