Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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