I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
