I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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