im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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