You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Did you just see the Batmobile???
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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