I wish I only lived at night.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
there was a trapeze. enough said
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
