I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
