Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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