i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Randomize
