i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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