i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
