help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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