my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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