i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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