I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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