Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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