12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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