got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize