Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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