I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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