I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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