and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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