i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
