Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
