How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
