zippers are such a cool invention
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
