can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
