I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I have aggressive nipples.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
