i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
