You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
