You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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