Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
