It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
