I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
