I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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