how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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