apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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