Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize