The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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