First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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