Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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