I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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