my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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