the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
