my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
