I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
