Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
