I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
