Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Randomize
