seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
