Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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